Challenges

Alisa had asked me this as part of the Q&A I did a few days ago, and I thought it deserved it’s own post. This is probably the deepest I’ve gone on my blog.

what is the biggest challenge you’ve faced in your life? Doesn’t have to be a race/event.

I wasn’t sure how I wanted to answer this question. I’ve had a pretty calm and uneventful life in terms of hardship. I’ve had some challenges along the way, but really nothing worth writing about. I would consider my lifestyle in general a challenge. Some days are more challenging than others but it’s hard to qualify this when I know I’m surrounded by people who are facing more life-impacting challenges. That said, there is an event that transpired earlier this year which I would consider my biggest challenge, which was further compounded by the challenge of living without a husband.

Back in February I had a miscarriage. My husband and I had been trying to get pregnant for several months and we were more than delighted when we found out. I took a test the day after he left for work because I wanted to have some wine and I thought I’d better take a test just to be sure. Prior to this test, I was unconvinced I was pregnant. I was genuinely surprised despite the fact we’d been actively trying. And not in the, “I was so shocked” way even-though-we’ve-been-having-unprotected-sex way. What’s that about? Shocked. Really?! Why do women always say that? Drives me crazy! No, I was surprised in the it’s-too-good-to-be-true way. Thrilled. I had to email my husband (of course. stupid communication issue), but this time we had a code that I was supposed to say on the email so he knew.  He called me that night and we were joyous!

I was with child. Everything was different. I was still carrying on at work and in life, but no one knew. I didn’t want to tell anyone until I could tell my family and I didn’t want to tell my family until we could tell both our families. Which meant I had to wait until Chris got home. He had just left so I had to wait 10 more weeks. Brutal.

As you can expect I was already visioning my life 9 months into the future and beyond. I wasn’t really sick just tired and sore. And running out of excuses to not go out with girlfriends for drinks. It would have been way too suspicious for me to not have a wine or margarita and I wasn’t ready to give explanations.

The weeks ticked by and my first doctors appointment arrived. I went in and the nurse had me do a pee test straight away.  We shared some chit chat of excitement over the pregnancy while she took my vitals. When the doctor came in, I knew something was wrong right away. I could sense it. My heart sank. She put on a happy face, but something was definitely not right. She asked if I took a test at home and how long ago. She said she was uncomfortable with the ‘faintness’ of the line on the test and that it should have been much more pronounced. I was ordered to get some blood work drawn so she could check my HcG levels. I remember it was snowing heavily outside and I kept thinking about how pretty everything looked covered in white snow. She gave me a hug (she was worried about me because she knew my husband was gone) and I walked down to the lab. I got blood drawn and was to come back 48 hours later, which happened to be a weekend so I had to wait until Monday to see how my levels had changed. The drive home was a somber one. Partly because of the snow covered icy roads, but mostly because I had a heavy heart. I tried to think positive, but I really REALLY needed my husband to keep my spirits lifted. I went on with the day as usual trying not to think about it too much. I went to bed anxious.

I woke up at 2am in pain and agony. The worst cramps I’d ever experienced and I knew. For about two hours I couldn’t move. Stuck in the fetal position. I can only explain it as ‘reverse contractions.’ The cramps were starting to get farther apart. Finally I was able to nod off a little. I woke up a little while later and came downstairs to email Chris. I wasn’t sure what to do. I knew my doctor wasn’t in yet and I couldn’t drive myself to the hospital because the cramps were still too bad when they came. Not that they really could have done anything for me except an ultrasound and confirm it. I laid on the couch in pain. Emotional pain. Physical Pain. Whatever kind of pain you could think of, I felt it.

The worst part about it all was that the only person who I wanted there was unavailable. And didn’t even know about any of it for that matter. The pain and bleeding had started subsiding and I was finally able to call my doctor and leave her a message. She returned my call quickly, and told me my hormone levels from the first test. At that point in my pregnancy they should have been AT LEAST 15,000 and they were only at 89. Yeah. She was extremely worried and wanted me to call someone, and I told her I would. But I didn’t. I couldn’t. Chris finally got the news and called me that evening. By then I was done. Done.

After it happened, iIt took me a while to tell anybody about it, but now I’m comfortable talking about it. It’s a part of life and I know I’m not the only one to go through it. It was definitely the hardest thing I’ve had to deal with in my life. Partly because it’s just such and awful thing to have to go through, but partly because I had to do it all alone.

We’ve been trying ever since. And no luck. It’s frustrating we only have a couple of months at a time to try, but I’m trying to remain positive. I feel the pressure though. I’m 34 and not getting any younger. It’s painful when I hear wemen talk about how they wern’t planning on getting prengant. The other day I opened a blog post and there was a picture of a positive pregnancy test. The title of the post was, “curve ball.” Despite the fact that I’m genuinly happy for people when they are happy, it stings. I know I’m not the only one that knows what I’m talking about. Right now I’m debating about going to the doctor and getting help. It’s been a year of trying, at least on the calendar. From what I understand they don’t do much for you unless you’re 35+ or had three miscarriages.  It would be nice to avoid both of those.

So that’s my story. And another thing: It’s hard to plan racing too far into the future so that’s partly the reason I haven’t done anything too competitive.